Semi-professional disappointer
Pacesetter Vol XLI No. 2 Tabloid Issue
Four years ago, there was a continent between me and my dreams…
She is not the kind of person who thinks that there’s no harm in trying. There is. Agonizingly harmful, actually. Expectations, rejections held her back. So she never attempted. She simply accepted other people’s standards for her. Scared to be hit by the raging bullets of disappointment and self-pity, she remained locked behind closed doors, inside her safe zone by being Ms. Nobody—far from being good.
How I wish I was different. How I wish I could be as good as everybody. But I couldn’t. Or at least that’s what I used to think. And that’s when I realized how stupid and shallow I was.
Then realization slapped her in the face: She knows the only way to buy success, but she is not willing to pay the price. She kept thinking, “Hard but possible, so why not give it a try?” For the first time in eternity, She saw hope.
So she tried. Ms. Nobody who was once afraid of trying, losing and handling bigger responsibilities became Ms. Somebody. Because she must, to show them that somehow, she’s worth their sacrifices and the odds.
She pushed her way to escape the typical ‘she’: broke both legs, has gone beyond limits, brought home bacons, turned into a frontrunner. She just stopped being afraid.
How unbearable it is to know that I already did my best yet it still wasn’t enough.
Yet she doubted if she can shoulder the crushing obligation that was already on her shoulders. Bombarded by pressures pulling her down, she felt that it is really hard to be at the top. One wrong move and she’s dead, one bad decision could destroy everything she had worked for.
Again, she’s afraid of feeling that overwhelming shame again—the emotional punch of words, sharp glances of dismay of critics would cut deep wounds leaving scars that will not heal. But for the nth time, she failed. For the nth time, Ms. Nobody didn’t get what she wanted. Fires of hope easily died away. There is no one to turn to, she can’t let others see what has become of her. She can’t let them see her cry and broken. She has to be strong even if she’s really not. She has to repair herself.
Hindi lahat ibinibigay sa akin dahil hindi naman lahat ng bagay, kaya kong hawakan. Hindi porket gusto ko, makabubuti na sa ‘kin at kaya ko nang i-handle. Kaya bakit natin kailangang ipagpilitan? Hindi ibibigay ‘yan kung ‘di ko kaya.
She’s afraid to carry all the responsibilities. She’s afraid to be the breadwinner. She’s afraid that she’s now approaching success yet would end up beaten. Worries, fears, doubts. But how about being brave and standing up after the fall? Miracles work in ways we never see.
She can’t imagine herself standing alone, impatiently waiting for the opportunity that already passed her by. All those failures and fears made her want to turn around but seeing the eyes of people who serve as her strength is all worth the risk. Even if we have plenty of reasons to give up, we also have plenty of reasons not to.
Ms. Somebody can’t bear to fail herself. More important than anything, she can’t bear to fail people who still believe in her. At this moment, she figured out that her own life is not about her after all. She wakes up and breathes for them.
They made me this way—fragile and vulnerable and I love them more for that.
With limitless possibilities of her stumbling again come limitless possibilities of learning. Right now, she’s busy collecting pieces of her that she accumulated over the years. She won’t tire sowing the kernels of rejection, bundles of self-doubt and a huge chunk of disappointment and pessimism while cuddling paper works and exams, embracing deadlines and productions. And loving this half-psychotic world.
I used to complain, why do we always have to sacrifice a thing for a thing? Why do we need to fall first, suffer, be hurt to triumph? I found the answer, I guess…
Mas fulfilling ang paglaban kung para ito sa iba, lalo na kung ikaw ang inspirasyon nila to move forward. Kahit na mahirap ang desisyon, hindi mo na iisipin kung tama o mali, kung mahirap o hindi, basta para sa pamilya mo.
Because you love them more than you love yourself.
Pacesetter Vol XLI No. 2 Tabloid Issue
Four years ago, there was a continent between me and my dreams…
She is not the kind of person who thinks that there’s no harm in trying. There is. Agonizingly harmful, actually. Expectations, rejections held her back. So she never attempted. She simply accepted other people’s standards for her. Scared to be hit by the raging bullets of disappointment and self-pity, she remained locked behind closed doors, inside her safe zone by being Ms. Nobody—far from being good.
How I wish I was different. How I wish I could be as good as everybody. But I couldn’t. Or at least that’s what I used to think. And that’s when I realized how stupid and shallow I was.
Then realization slapped her in the face: She knows the only way to buy success, but she is not willing to pay the price. She kept thinking, “Hard but possible, so why not give it a try?” For the first time in eternity, She saw hope.
So she tried. Ms. Nobody who was once afraid of trying, losing and handling bigger responsibilities became Ms. Somebody. Because she must, to show them that somehow, she’s worth their sacrifices and the odds.
She pushed her way to escape the typical ‘she’: broke both legs, has gone beyond limits, brought home bacons, turned into a frontrunner. She just stopped being afraid.
How unbearable it is to know that I already did my best yet it still wasn’t enough.
Yet she doubted if she can shoulder the crushing obligation that was already on her shoulders. Bombarded by pressures pulling her down, she felt that it is really hard to be at the top. One wrong move and she’s dead, one bad decision could destroy everything she had worked for.
Again, she’s afraid of feeling that overwhelming shame again—the emotional punch of words, sharp glances of dismay of critics would cut deep wounds leaving scars that will not heal. But for the nth time, she failed. For the nth time, Ms. Nobody didn’t get what she wanted. Fires of hope easily died away. There is no one to turn to, she can’t let others see what has become of her. She can’t let them see her cry and broken. She has to be strong even if she’s really not. She has to repair herself.
Hindi lahat ibinibigay sa akin dahil hindi naman lahat ng bagay, kaya kong hawakan. Hindi porket gusto ko, makabubuti na sa ‘kin at kaya ko nang i-handle. Kaya bakit natin kailangang ipagpilitan? Hindi ibibigay ‘yan kung ‘di ko kaya.
She’s afraid to carry all the responsibilities. She’s afraid to be the breadwinner. She’s afraid that she’s now approaching success yet would end up beaten. Worries, fears, doubts. But how about being brave and standing up after the fall? Miracles work in ways we never see.
She can’t imagine herself standing alone, impatiently waiting for the opportunity that already passed her by. All those failures and fears made her want to turn around but seeing the eyes of people who serve as her strength is all worth the risk. Even if we have plenty of reasons to give up, we also have plenty of reasons not to.
Ms. Somebody can’t bear to fail herself. More important than anything, she can’t bear to fail people who still believe in her. At this moment, she figured out that her own life is not about her after all. She wakes up and breathes for them.
They made me this way—fragile and vulnerable and I love them more for that.
With limitless possibilities of her stumbling again come limitless possibilities of learning. Right now, she’s busy collecting pieces of her that she accumulated over the years. She won’t tire sowing the kernels of rejection, bundles of self-doubt and a huge chunk of disappointment and pessimism while cuddling paper works and exams, embracing deadlines and productions. And loving this half-psychotic world.
I used to complain, why do we always have to sacrifice a thing for a thing? Why do we need to fall first, suffer, be hurt to triumph? I found the answer, I guess…
Mas fulfilling ang paglaban kung para ito sa iba, lalo na kung ikaw ang inspirasyon nila to move forward. Kahit na mahirap ang desisyon, hindi mo na iisipin kung tama o mali, kung mahirap o hindi, basta para sa pamilya mo.
Because you love them more than you love yourself.